Integrated

I can successfully say that I have emerged from the darkness that I was in

For weeks I was stuck

feeling unenthused by life

overwhelmed by the tragedies of the world

feeling unenergized, insecure, fearful, frustrated and just downright depressed

I knew i had all of the tools to dig myself out

but I lacked the motivation to grab them

there was a cloud following me that I couldn’t seem to shake

events that began matching my low vibrational energy only sunk me further

down, deeper into a dark abyss

where not even despair was felt

in reality, i felt nothing

I allowed these events to steer my sinking ship:

The inevitable onset of winter

Bronchitis that seized my breath

Hospitalization of my mother

Feeling forced to share my space longer than I had planned

Legally trapped by a suspended license of no fault of my own

I had allowed myself to become a victim of these circumstances

I allowed them to control me and my outlook on my present life

Until one night

When I sat with the darkness

and asked it, why me? Why is this happening to me?

Darkness answered – to show you

that life has seasons

that sickness is temporary

that modern medicine is a miracle

that your compassion saved a dear friend from being homeless

that things can happen that are out of your control

and that you are still blessed, you are still beautiful, you are still you

Even in the depths, no matter how dark my thoughts became, how stagnant my energy was

there I was – I still had one thing – awareness of my situation

Although I wasn’t sure how to get out

I knew exactly where I was

So i let myself sit there

in the darkness

until my light came back

it came back through self love

and the love I so graciously received from others

through finding gratitude in the small things

through continuing to live with integrity

it came back

through allowing myself to feel the depths of my shadow

and to emerge once again

stronger, more integrated, more whole

and aware that darkness cannot consume me

because I am life force energy in ecstatic motion

and I am proud to say, now

I am both shadow and light

-Integrated-